Week 6

Six plus weeks into quarantine.

We had been doing pretty well, and then we've had a bunch of tough days since Easter. I always tell Nick I can do the hard day-to-day (he calls it being a Big Dumb Animal), but if there's any emotional worry at the time I can totally crumble because it distracts me from what needs to get done.

The mounting sadness of being separated from family, the unsurmountable laundry, the massive amounts of food preparation, the endless bad news—it's gotten to me. I'm trying to hold on to faith and hope but it's very easy to become disheartened after scanning even one or two headlines. The unknown can be so scary.

For the first time since the beginning of this quarantine, I added some extraneous tasks to my weekly to-dos last week and it was such a bad idea. There was so much stress, so much yelling, so much nastiness toward my kids.

There's a reason I used to lump all my "extra" tasks on to the days my mom would come help with the kids: because it's impossible to get them done any other time without significant stress.

My kids are being SO GOOD. They are so simple and play so well most of the time and require so little to be happy. The problem is when I shift my focus from the main things—childcare, keeping everyone fed, laundry—and try and tackle anything else. It's sooooo frustrating because I can get nothing done. I can't even think a thought anymore without being interrupted. The second I get everyone squared away, something else pops up that needs to be dealt with. I'm living in a really intense game of whack-a-mole. And no sleep is happening whatsoever, mostly thanks to Alice who still gets up twice a night, but also due to me getting absolutely no alone time during the day so I compensate by staying up way too late.

I've decreased my news consumption and that always helps. I do zero cooking and that helps too. So thankful Nick isn't commuting right now so he can either cook dinner or play with the kids while I "cook" (dump something frozen in the oven/in a pot and reheat).

The other night I was so proud of myself for turning the lights off before 11pm, and the second I got settled, a child started crying from a bad dream and that woke up another child and then Nick couldn't fall back asleep so he went downstairs. It's always something.

I miss my family. I miss the library. I miss my cleaning lady. I miss the small amount of productivity I'd get one day a week when my mom would come. I would trade a pinkie toe for a pedicure at this point. I was in such a good little routine. I was getting to the gym twice a week! I was regularly napping. I was getting my things done. It all seems like such a luxury now.

This time period is so intense and I'm aware it's hard for everyone right now in different ways. This is our hard, and I'm aware it could be so much worse.

KBO!